Not long ago I had prayed God would help me grieve over the loss of a dream in regard to one of my daughters. He was faithful to do that, but a short time after God showed me where I needed to grieve in my marriage, so He could bring comfort and healing.
“But God,” a part of me said, “I didn’t tell You I wanted to grieve there,” and “Haven’t I grieved enough?”
When I open up my heart to God and say I want Him to work in me, I don’t get to be the director. It’s like me advising the surgeon in the middle of a surgery where I have local anesthesia, “This is what you should be doing.”
This is not the first time I’ve done this with God. When I ask Him to reveal hidden sins or hurts and He shows me something unexpected or uncomfortable I’ve communicated, “No, I don’t want to deal with that. Could You please wait until later?”
This time I didn’t tell God, “No,” or “Later,” when He showed me areas where I had not finished grieving in my marriage. I think the reason this came up was because my husband will be retiring soon. God has been bringing up memories and showing me where I have not yet finished greiving over the broken dreams and umet expectations of this phase of our marriage that we will be leaving.
It’s essential to the health of our marriage that I work through this.
Since God showed me the need to grieve some more in my marriage, there have been tears and prayers and some pain. At times I’ve tried to get my husband to understand my grief over ways he has hurt me in the past and continues to wound me in certain areas.
In a recent converstation I kept saying to my husband, “If I could just get you to understand how I feel, how much certain things you have done and do hurt me, then…”
I stopped short and realized once again I was trying to be the director of this whole matter of working through my grief and sense of loss. Steve said, “You are being controlling.”
“My grief will be healed if I can just get you to grieve deeply over how you have hurt me” was what I was communicating to Steve. I was trying to put the responsibility for my healing in the hands of my husband instead of with God, something I’ve fallen into repeatedly in our marriage.
It may be OK to tell my husband I’m still working through my grief. It’s not OK to insist he be my comforter and that comfort can only come through more sincere apologies, more changes in his behavior, and through an abundance of kind actions to make up for what he has done. I’ve done wrong things in this marriage as well, and I wouldn’t be happy if he came to me with these demands.
So once again I’m turning my eyes back to the Lord and allowing Him to direct my grieving. I’m believing He will continue to give me words of comfort.These words from the Word have given me direction and ministered to me:
“As for me, I would seek God, and inquire of, and require Him, and to God would I commit my cause-
Who does great things and unsearchable, marvelous things without number,
Who gives rain upon the earth and sends water upon the fields,
So that He sets on high those who are lowly, and those who mourn He lifts to safety.” Job 5:8-11 AMP
How about you? Are you trying to direct God in what He is attempting to do in your heart? Keep Your eyes on Him. Open Your ears to what He has to say. Be willing to obey. You will be blessed by the outcome.