As I grieve lately, I’ve noticed my anger at God has been minimal. After other deaths and deaths of dreams, I’ve raged at God, proclaiming by my attitude that I thought He was cruel and heartless.
Yes, I’ve expressed anger to God over the past few weeks, especially as I’ve cried out my whys. I’ve spent time insisting He explain Himself and His seeming lack of action and compassion as a death plan was being made and carried out. But in the midst of my bouts with anger, peace has suddenly come.
There’s a reason why anger at God hasn’t taken hold of me. It’s because I’m better at listening to Him than I’ve ever been. I think of the verse that says,
My dear brothers and sisters, take note of this: Everyone should be quick to listen, slow to speak and slow to become angry. James 1:19 NIV
I remember not long ago a radio show host said that verse applies especially to our relationship with God.
Too often in the past when dealing with grief, I’ve talked and talked to God, often angrily, without taking the time or effort to listen. Also I babbled on and on letting anger at God grow–but as I backed away from Him–sometimes because I’d convinced myself He allowed bad things to happen because He was angry at me.
I’m discovering when I express anger at God–as I’m drawing close to Him—He helps me to deal with my anger. He soothes me with words which reach to the core of my soul. Lately He’s done this with songs he brings to mind like “What a friend we have in Jesus, all our sins and griefs to bear…” or a Bible verse that takes on new meaning in the face of grief. One such verse is Psalm 46:1.
God is our refuge and strength, an ever-present help in trouble.
If I allow myself to wallow in anger at God, I don’t sense His help or His strength. But as I let go of anger and my demanding attitude, I sense myself in His loving arms. I remember that God is not my enemy during this trial of heart-wrenching suicide grief. He is my ally. He weeps with me. He feels not just for me, but with me. He knows my pain, and He wants to ease it.
The question is “Will I let Him?”