Once again I am posting a marriage miracle story. The story is true, but the names have been changed. I pray that Judy’s story will encourage you to love your husband, even if he has difficulty receiving God’s healing. This is only possible as we love with the love of the Lord and as we “remain in His love.”
A friend of mine who has encouraged me often to love my husband and allow God to heal my soul when he hurts me has troubles in her own marriage of 35 years. Here is what Judy writes:
“God has sustained me for this very long journey of walking alone emotionally. I believe Dave came to salvation about two years ago, and that has made a difference! He is alive in Christ now, but he has so much emotional wounding he never dealt with because he didn’t want to see it and feel that horrible pain of trauma all over again. I have been able to often enter into God’s sufferings as I felt the distance of Dave’s heart and his not caring and not even trying to connect. Isn’t that just what agony the Father feels as we ignore His heart reaching to us?
“It takes a person who is willing to allow God to show them what’s under the memory cloud—to lift the ‘lid.’ For me it’s to be a wife who can help him feel safe to lift the lid of his own pain. It feels often like I am playing a mother role with the broken-hearted little boy who got stuck at age five emotionally where he was first abandoned.
“What that looks like in a conversation might be like this:.
“‘Dave, you said you have felt judged by me for the last 20 years or more…’
“Even though his belief systems about me is a projection of his own mother’s volatile temper, yelling, screaming, never ever affirming his worth, not even touching him. Dave grew up with no tenderness and I am through his lenses, a copy of her. (This friend is one of the most tender, loving people I know.)
“‘Wow, Dave that must have been a very sad and lonely experience for you. It would be very hard to love someone that you believe is judging you.’
“‘(Dave’s reply) ‘Yes, it’s been 20 years of rejection from you. And I have not loved you either. You are impossible to love.’
“Hearing that I could launch into all the pain I’ve experienced, but of course Dave cannot see or feel my sadness—only his own. Narcissism is so normal for wounded people who don’t trust or praise or respect anyone. Pain internally causes such a personal disassociation from others around himself. This is challenging. I could not love this little boy apart from Jesus!
“Now I am supposed to ask forgiveness from him for my part in not being able to see his fragile heart (of course I can’t say fragile.)
“‘Dave, I am so sorry that I made you feel alone…( taking the blame even though I know I’ve been doing back flips to try and reach him and that his anger and extremely disconnected behaviors have been traumatic for me. (the trauma of neglect)
“And I have come alive to my emotionally charged being, aware of my sadness and loss, so I must apologize to him and respond to his pain as though I didn’t have any of my own. (Help Lord!)…I need Jesus continually to empty out the bitterness for all the disappointments in my soul. I married 35 years ago not to be alone. But I have been so alone…
“This last weekend Dave and I went to a marriage communication intensive… I believe it will be next to impossible for Dave to ‘cross over’ to me when he is so captive to his own pain. He is yet in prison over his own non-dealt-with childhood pain…As Dave can face, embrace and release his own pain first, then his spirit can be filled with a different message.
that God will bring everything in our marriage into alignment with Him!”
Judy also wrote these practical things she has done: “God has showed me that my husband has an impaired judgment of me—that God has to show him who I really am.” She added, “God has revealed I need to have an attitude of ‘I don’t receive that’ when he belittles me. And I try to see where he does good and speak to him about that.”
Not too long after my friend wrote the above, she sent me this little note: “I have such a big praise report about our marriage! The Lord gave Dave a new understanding and revelation about our marriage as he prayed with a prayer warrior (who specializes in helping to release people from the effects of trauma—my words here). It has been a God turn around all the way! Hallelujah! I have a kind friend/husband, and I’m amazed at the miracles happening in our prayer life.”