Why Doesn’t My Husband Love Me Anymore?

It’s Hearts Set Free Marriage Miracle Monday.

“I run in the paths of your commands, for you have set my heart free.” (Psalm 119:32 NIV 1984)

Hello friends of Hearts Set Free. One of my passions is to help wives move toward hearts set free, so they can continue to love their husbands through hard times. God miraculously healed our marriage, so I know He has power to heal. I believe His healing power is for anyone willing to receive it. Your spouse may not be willing, but if you are the first to believe for God’s healing power to heal your heart, amazing things can happen. Once a month I will have a Marriage Miracle Monday story to share. These stories are true. I have changed the names to protect privacy. Maybe you’re not going through a hard time in your marriage, but you know someone else who is. Please pass the stories along to bring help and hope to those who feel there is no hope. For every marriage that’s healed, God receives glory.

Why Doesn’t My Husband Love Me Anymore?

Karen wrote about a difficult time nine years into her 30-year marriage when she wondered, Why doesn’t Peter love me anymore?

“I glanced over my menu at Peter, seated on the opposite side of the booth. His dark-blonde hair still waved over his forehead. His blue eyes, always twinkling with humor while we were dating, now looked empty. What’s happening to us?

“Peter’s three years as associate pastor in a large city church had changed him. Physically he had altered little from the slender, handsome man I had married nine years before. The church members looked up to him in more ways than one—often teasing him about his six-foot-plus height—but in my eyes he had shrunk somehow.”

When Karen helped a friend who was divorcing to find an apartment, these thoughts went through her head: How can I possibly afford to live alone? What would the church people think if I left Peter? How has our relationship deteriorated to the point that I’d even consider divorce? At this crossroad, many women do leave their marriages—even Christian women like Karen.

One evening Karen zeroed in on the problem in their relationship: “Can’t you just stay home with me tonight?”

“You know I have to be at every church meeting. Ron is always there, and he expects me to be there too.”

“Maybe Ron’s wife is used to it. Besides, she’s home all day. I work from eight to five, and at night you’re in meetings! I’m sick of your being gone all the time. We never see each other. You give yourself to everyone else and have nothing left for me!”

Another evening, at an in-home Bible study Peter led, upset about the need to fake a smile all the time, Karen drove home instead of going inside, leaving her husband to find his own ride home. Back at home she relates: “I took a long, hot bath, hoping to soak away my pain and confusion about our marriage. Peter has abandoned me too, but what right do I have to complain? He has abandoned me to do God’s work.”

Rather than walk out on the marriage, Karen urged Peter to attend counseling with her, where she discovered serious issues lingered from his childhood.  For a time they separated; Peter lived elsewhere while he worked on his issues. After reuniting, Karen recalled their tenth anniversary: “Peter and I drove to a special restaurant to celebrate our tenth anniversary and our renewed love for each other. ‘Let’s open our gifts in the car,’ he suggested. ‘Yours first.’

“I unwrapped a tiny jeweler’s box to find a gold necklace with two intertwining gold hearts. ‘Our hearts, our love,’ Peter said. ‘We’re going to make it, aren’t we?’

He pulled me close to him. “I love you so much.”

Karen’s renewed love for her husband came through courage, patience, and compassion. She won that serious, “I don’t love him anymore” battle and continued to love and encourage her husband through their 30-year marriage. She and her husband faced more hardships as their marriage continued, but through depending on the Lord, Karen loved her husband for better or worse until his death parted them.

“Love Is Not A Fight” by Warren Barfield

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What Story Am I Telling? Repost

Not long ago I spent many hours with someone who devoted quite a bit of time to speaking negatively about his life and giving in to and proclaiming his self-pity. After first, I was judgmental and even thought, Where is your faith in God?

Then I remembered that I do that too. How easily I can give in to negativity when hard times come, and on some days I allow myself to wallow in self-pity like a drunk who pours drink after drink.

I praise God that He’s brought me a long way when it comes to overcoming this tendency toward negative thinking and speaking out my negativity to those around me.

Today I’m reposting a blog that I first posted on October 6, 2015, which deals with this subject. Reading it again and listening to the songs encouraged me today and reminded me of God’s faithfulness and His desire for me to proclaim it out loud to others.

What Story Am I Telling? Repost

Lately corrections have come from a friend and from the Lord about what words come out of my mouth.

One day when I was speaking of negative things going on in family members’ lives, a friend encouraged me to stop the negative talk, ie verbalizing my fears and worries. Instead she urged me to speak out words connected to God’s faithfulness and my faith in Him.

Instead of saying, “I’m afraid my loved one is being drawn further and further from the Lord,” she urged me to say “I’m believing she will embrace her destiny—that God will make sure that happens.”

Not long ago in prayer time, the Lord encouraged me to focus and talk about prayers that have been answered and express out loud thanks for those rather than speaking of prayers which have not yet been answered and getting trapped in moaning and mourning out loud about those.

Two songs I’ve heard in recent weeks seem firmly connected to letting go of these negative words that slip out of my mouth.

Both songs have to do with telling our stories.

As a writer, I often send out words that speak of God’s faithfulness and my confidence in Him. I’ve had numerous articles published on that theme. These are what I have called “my stories to bring Him glory.”

Yet when I’m in conversation, I too often get caught up in the opposite–telling “sad stories.” These are tales of the bad things that are happening and my grief over the fact that it seems God isn’t doing anything.

It took these two recent reprimands to realize that these “stories I tell” in normal conversation cast doubt on the faithfulness of God. They can lead people away from the Lord rather than toward Him. They hurt my own intimacy with the Lord. At times my tales of woe are fueled by comparing, self-pity, and doubt. I’m praying and believing that God will continue to deliver me from slipping into these destructive mindsets.

My new goal is to tell my story—the story of God’s faithfulness–not just in written form but daily in my interactions with everyday people who cross my path.

Yes, bad things have happened. Yes, traumas, trials, and tragedies have sometimes taken my breath away. But the truth is that through it all God has been faithful. He may not have intervened in ways I demanded or as quickly as I have desired, but He has intervened with His love, His peace, His hope, His strength, and His joy in the midst of sorrow.

He has answered so many prayers immeasurably more than all I have asked or imagined. (See Ephesians 3:20 NIV)

The Word of God warns me not to be naïve about the devices and schemes of the enemy. (See 2 Corinthians 2:11)

I’m realizing that getting me to focus on the negative is Satan’s plan. When he gets me to do that, he has succeeded.

The Word also says that he comes to steal, kill, and destroy. (See John 10:10) He desires to steal my joy, kill my passion for the Lord, and destroy my confidence in a loving, caring God. For moments at a time in my life, he is successful at this. With others he succeeds for years or even decades.

The good news is that God is merciful. He does not hold my
negative words against me but urges me on to a better
tomorrow.

He celebrates when I speak openly of His trustworthiness.

I’m looking forward to a new day tomorrow where I can tell the story of my life—the story of God’s faithfulness.

Lord God, please help me to tell the true and uplifting story of Your never-ending love for me and for each one of us.

Here are the links to the two songs about the stories of our lives.

“My Story” by Big Daddy Weave

 

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=da64vJ5mGto

 

“Storyteller” by Morgan Harper Nichols (with Jamie Grace)

 

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_ZAzvxsDOUU

 

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Reflecting on the Year 2010 Repost

Today I’m reposting a blog I wrote nine years ago—my first pre-New Year’s blog. So much of it still applies to my life today—especially what’s on my thank you list. Here’s what I wrote at the end of the blog with the years changed.

What about you? Have you reflected on 2019 and thanked God for all the goodness He has shown you? I guarantee you that doing so will lift your spirits more than a new year’s toast with a glass of champagne. Here’s to God–for all He is, for all He has done in 2019 and all He will do in 2020.

What a privilege to look back and see how God blessed me back then and how He continues to bless me, despite ongoing challenges and at times even heartbreaks. Today I’m celebrating His love for me and His faithfulness throughout 2019.

I’ve added a song this time. I’m so thankful for how God has used songs over the years and in 2019 to encourage me. I’ll call this song “My top encouragement song of 2019.” It’s “Haven’t Seen It Yet” by Danny Gokey.

Reflecting on the Year 2010 Repost

Each New Year’s Day and for many days after, I reflect on the year that has just passed. My reflections center on giving thanks to God for all He brought me to and through and for how good He has been to me.

These verses come to mind as I think back:

I will sing to the LORD, for he has been good to me. Psalm 13:6 NIV

Give thanks to the LORD for he is good; his love endures forever. Psalm 16:34

I will remember the deeds of the LORD…Psalm 77:11

I write or type these reflections on a thank you list that I keep in my journal or on my computer.

Here is the start of my thank yous for  2010:

I thank You, Lord:

–for Steve, Tami, Mindy, and Destiny and for how we have stayed close in 2010.

–that Steve and I made it to 35 years of marriage, and we still love one another deeply.

–for continued healing in our marriage.

–for the family conflicts You have brought us through.

–that we are enjoying an empty nest for the first time in 30 years.

–for good health for me and my family.

–for the progress I’ve made in songwriting.

–for my trip to the Inner Circle songwriting conference at Babbie Mason’s home outside Atlanta.

–for my writing retreat trip to Carolyn’s place in North Carolina.

–for my trip to the Chicago area to visit family and connect with relatives I had not seen in awhile at the family picnic.

–for Your financial provisions and blessings in 2011….

I will continue to work on my list and will include: people I’ve met who have blessed me, God’s provision on my job, opportunities God has given me to be used by Him, and specific ways friends and family members have blessed me.  Thanking God for spiritual progress in my soul is another part of my thank-you list as well as whatever else comes to mind.

If I find myself thinking about bad things that happened, I thank God for them and for the good that came out of those circumstances.

And when I have those days when I feel I’m not as blessed as I think I should be, I will read my list over again and remind myself how good God has been to me.

What about you? Have you reflected on 2010 and thanked God for all the goodness He has shown you? I guarantee you that doing so will lift your spirits more than a new year’s toast with a glass of champagne. Here’s to God–for all He is, for all He has done in 2010 and all He will do in 2011.

“Haven’t Seen It Yet” by Danny Gokey

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XE2NAzqSDPQ

 

 

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Repost of That’s Why He Came

Today I’m reposting a blog titled, “That’s Why He Came,” which I wrote in 2011 and which I have posted during other Christmas seasons. During this Christmas time I and others who face hardships need the reminder: “That’s why He came.” What comfort I receive as I remember He is with me through every trouble and trial.

Lately I’ve been mourning the death of a young rapper who died of an apparent accidental overdose at the age of 21 on December 8th. Jarad Anthony Higgins known professionally as Juice Wrld was born in the same town as me, Chicago, and he was a fellow writer, who— like me—tried to be transparent in what he wrote. He boldly spoke and rapped about his troubles.

I confess I’ve judged rappers in the past, and I couldn’t get past the profanity or the “n” words, but this time—even before he died—I listened—really listened—to his music, and I saw someone struggling not only with drug addiction but with mental health issues. I cared about him because someone I love dearly also cared about him and was captivated by him and wanted to see him in concert. As I listened to him before and since his death, I saw a young man with a compassion for others—even in the midst of deep struggles of his own. He was in the trap of drug addiction from which he wanted to escape, but couldn’t.

Since I’ve been trapped by the “remedies” this world offers, I understand somewhat what Jarad went through. My compassion for him rises up, and I feel sad that he died so young. My prayer is that his struggle will help other young people and even older people escape the trap of drugs. I pray they will turn to the Lord for deliverance, which Jarad may have done a number of times in his life. To his family, his friends, his fans, I pray for comfort and peace during this Christmas season. Jarad was raised by a godly mom, and I know she has a broken heart, but will turn to the Lord to have it healed. May his life and his struggles not be in vain. May many be drawn to the Lord and away from drugs because of his early departure from this earth.

As I think of Jarad and his battle with drugs, I think, “That’s why He came.”

God bless everyone reading this blog with joy and peace this Christmas season and in the new year.

That’s Why He Came

I confess on some past Christmases I have given in to sadness. Celebrating has seemed difficult.

There are two reasons for this. One has been because I have been facing difficult times during the Christmas season. Life wasn’t going according to my plan. People sinned against me in ways I never thought I’d have to deal with.

The other reason I’ve been melancholy at Christmas is because of the suffering of others.

It breaks my heart to see what people go through. I feel this way especially about family members, friends, fellow Christians, and those I minister to in the world of the mentally ill. Some days I ache over what happens to strangers I read about in the newspaper or hear about on the news.

But this year I feel joyful—perhaps more so than I have in quite awhile.

I haven’t been embracing the negative thoughts in my head about all that’s wrong at Christmas time. Instead I’ve heard God whisper four words about Jesus each time I think of something bad that’s happening in my world or in the world of those I love and care about.

He has been saying of Jesus, “That’s why He came.”

Someone died during this holiday season. That’s why He came—to take the sting of death away.

A precious one is riddled with sickness. That’s why He came—to heal all of our diseases.

People are going through loss, hardship, emotional pain. That’s why He came—to heal broken hearts, to bind up wounds, to set prisoners free.

When I think of this phrase “That’s why He came,” an old Christmas song comes to mind.

The carol, “I Heard the Bells on Christmas Day” is based on an 1864 poem “Christmas Bells” written by American poet Henry Wadsworth Longfellow. The last two stanzas go like this:

And in despair I bowed my head
“There is no peace on earth,” I said,
“For hate is strong and mocks the song
Of peace on earth, good will to men.”

Then pealed the bells more loud and deep:
God is not dead, nor doth He sleep;
The wrong shall fail, the right prevail
With peace on earth, good will to men.

I’m also thinking of the familiar Bible verse that so many of us first heard early in our Christian walks: John 3:16.

 For God so loved the world that he gave his one and only Son, that whoever believes in him shall not perish but have eternal life.

Love, giving, eternal life.

That’s why He came.

What about you? Are you or a loved one going through a difficult time this Christmas season? Are you able to embrace the truth: “That’s why He came?” Will you make the decision to celebrate His coming even so and even though? Isn’t it amazing? Jesus is Emmanuel—God with us.  Thank You, Jesus.

“I Heard The Bells on Christmas Day” by Casting Crowns

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=F756Mjxxrvc

 

 

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Giving Thanks Repost

Thanksgiving Day has passed, but I’ve been impressed in recent years that giving thanks and expressing gratitude is to be an everyday pursuit. I confess too often I complain about circumstances in my life rather than looking for reasons to give thanks. Once I start focusing on gratitude, I find so many things to be thankful for. Today, as I read again a blog I posted in November of 2010, I’m reminded that giving thanks is something which lifts up the Lord and pleases Him. I pray God will continue to help me grow in having a grateful heart.

Here is that blog from nine years ago, with a song added.

Giving Thanks

Recently as I was studying the Psalms, I ran across a verse I hadn’t noticed before. It said,

“I will praise the name of God with a song and will magnify Him with thanksgiving.” Psalm 69:30 AMP 

When I read the words “magnify Him with thanksgiving,” I thought of how I instead tend to magnify my problems with complaining. At those moments, my problems seem huge, and God seems smaller than He actually is.

Here the Word was telling me how I could magnify the Lord. It wasn’t with doing lots of jobs for God, but through having a grateful heart and speaking out my gratitude–to Him and about Him.  

After studying surrounding verses in this psalm, I realized gratitude can have a huge impact on my relationship with the Lord and in helping to draw others to Him. It’s simple to sincerely express gratitude when everything is going well, but the person writing this psalm said in verse 29:

“I am poor, sorrowful, and in pain…”

Something wonderful happens when I give thanks to God despite the poverty in my soul that I feel, and despite the pain and sorrow I’m facing. Not only does gratitude do a work to transform me, but people around me who notice my difficult circumstances almost study to see how I will face them.  When I have a grateful rather than a complaining or bitter heart, I notice they marvel at that–especially those who don’t know the Lord.

I asked God after reading this “thanksgiving” verse why it was so hard for me to have a grateful heart. One reason that came to mind is perfectionism. I’ve come a long way in the battle against it, but wanting things perfect can keep me from thanking God and other people. I focus on what’s wrong rather than on all that’s right. Often this comes out on holidays because I want things to be just so.

Today as our family celebrated Thanksgiving together, there were things that didn’t come out right in the dinner we ate, but I was able to let it go and enjoy our time together. There were also many things in my family and extended family that could cause my heart to ache all day if I dwelled on them. I could see how far I’ve come in not “going there” and in not trying to make people and situations perfect through my schemes and efforts, thinking this would finally bring me to the point of gratitude.

I can be grateful no matter what’s happening in my oh so imperfect life, because I have a perfect God who loves me perfectly and wants only the best for me. Somehow all that is imperfect in my life is working toward perfecting my relationship with Him.

And so right now I choose to be grateful to God–for all He’s done for me and in me. I thank God for blessing me with a marriage of 35 years and for two beautiful daughters and a lovely granddaughter. I thank God for providing for my financial, emotional, physical, and spiritual needs for all these years.  I thank God for using me as a writer to reach hearts and lives with His truth. I thank God for all the good He’s brought out of bad in my life.

There is one thing I know about expressing gratitude. It is found in in the next verse in Psalm 69:

“…it will please the Lord…”verse 31

Even though I have a ways to go in learning the art of a grateful heart, pleasing Him is my heart’s desire. How wonderful it is that we serve a God who can be pleased with us. There’s yet another something to be grateful for.

What about you? Are difficult circumstances or perfectionism getting in the way of expressing gratitude? Thank God anyway and see what a difference it makes.

“Give Thanks” by Don Moen

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=blbslHDgceY

 

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Repost of Praising My Way Through Grief

Lately, I’ve been going through a time of grieving. This grieving does not have to do with the death of a loved one, but the seeming death of dreams I’ve had for loved ones. Some days I feel the more I pray, the more situations happen that add to my grief.

Yet in the midst of grief and my temptation to wallow in self-pity, I’m reminded that praising God is mandatory if I want victory.

Today I’m reposting a blog with a song added that I posted on April 29, 2012—two months after my youngest brother committed suicide. God helped me through that time of grief, and He will help me now. Staying in praise seems to be a key to receiving that help.

I pray that this will be the course of my heart: I will bless the LORD at all times: his praise shall continually be in my mouth. Psalm 34:1 KJV

*****

Praising My Way Through Grief

Praising God when things are going well seems the right thing to do.

But when my world seems to be shattered, praising God can feel unnatural.

And so it is.

This is why God rejoices when I do it, and my life is transformed in the process.

There’s no doubt that the Word instructs me to keep on praising the Lord—no matter what my circumstances are like.

I will bless the LORD at all times: his praise shall continually be in my mouth. Psalm 34:1 KJV

What a challenge this has been in my Christian life. Too often I want to “bless the LORD” with my praise only when all seems right with my world.

When it feels to my near-sighted soul that He has withdrawn His blessings from me–such as when tragedy or trouble comes–I want to withdraw my praise.

The course in the midst of troubles has too often been: I will praise Him when things get better—when He is blessing me again.

The truth is that God never stops blessing me. Every day and every moment of the day He pours His grace on me. He helps me through my troubles—if I’m willing to receive that help. His love for me does not change—even though my circumstances may.

Praises can cease when I start judging God– accusing Him of bringing calamity to my life for all sorts of unholy reasons. The truth is God remains holy and righteous through every season of my life. His view of me does not change just because I think it does or because my view of Him becomes skewed. He is not punishing me through trials just because my wayward soul determines it is so.

When tragedy struck in my life due to the suicide of my brother, there was a part of me that wanted to stop praising God—especially since this was the second suicide of a sibling I had to face. How can I praise a God who refused to intervene to save this precious life? Or my sister’s life many years ago? But those thoughts were short-lived as I determined to stay in praise no matter what my emotions told me.

As I have stayed in the Word—especially in the psalms—I’ve been reminded that God is deserving of all my praise. Praise the Lord! I’ve recalled all He has brought me through. Praise the Lord! I’ve recollected how at times He has carried me when I’ve felt too weak to go on—both in this tragedy and in the midst of calamities in the past. Praise the Lord!

Not only do I praise God for His faithfulness in days gone by and in my present struggles, but I also praise Him for His promise to be faithful in the future. I feel excited about what He is going to do next to continue to bring good out of this latest heartbreak as He has done with every challenge in my life.

My heart echoes what David said in Psalm 43:5

…for I will yet praise him, my Savior and my God. (NIV)

Here is a song that has comforted me so much over the years:

“Praise You In The Storm” by Casting Crowns

 

 

 

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Time In Prison Repost

Not long ago, I spoke with the man I mentioned in a blog I first posted on October 7 2017. Once again, he spoke if engaging in a battle dealing with chronic pain. Rereading that blog reminded me as I deal with my own chronic pain—of the emotional kind—that God will help us as we draw close to Him.

Time in Prison Repost

A while ago a man I know and love talked about his chronic pain. Every day no matter what he does, he cannot escape the pain he feels.

“It’s like being in prison,” he said.

Although chronic physical pain remains something I do not deal with, I can relate to chronic emotional pain. For years I battled severe depression from which I failed for a time to find an escape. I praise God He set me free over many years through counseling by Christian counselors—both lay and professional– and by the Holy Spirit.

During those years, and sometimes in more recent years and months when painful circumstances threaten to shatter my peace, I felt the same way my loved one does, “It’s like being in prison.”

But yet as I thought about the whole idea of pain and prison, Paul’s time behind bars which I read about in Scripture, came to mind.

This directive came too, Do what he did when he was in prison.

I studied Paul’s time in prison—especially in the book of Philippians–and compiled a list of what Paul did while in prison:

He prayed to God. Acts 16:25

He sang hymns of praise. Acts 16:25

He thanked God for others. Philippians 1:3

He prayed for others. Philippians 1:3

He wrote a letter of encouragement: his letter to the Philippians.

He saw the good of his prison time—“greater progress of the gospel.” Philippians 1:12

He rejoiced in the Lord. Philippians 1:18

He gave godly counsel. Philippians 2:14

He urged others to rejoice. Philippians 2:17, 4:4

He spoke of trusting God. Philippians 2:24

He reached out to meet the needs of others. Philippians 2:25

He believed Christ would be exalted in his body. Philippians 3:20

He encouraged others to let go of anxiety and to pray. Philippians 4:6

He encouraged others to control their thinking. Philippians 4:8

He learned about contentment. Philippians 4:11-12

He depended on Christ’s strength. Philippians 4:13

He gave glory to God. Philippians 4:20

He encouraged others to take hold of God’s grace. Philippians 4:23

As I read the complete book of Philippians, I discovered Paul kept his focus on Jesus, shared his faith with others, maintained an excellent attitude and encouraged that in others, and sent life-changing teachings and warnings to fellow Christians.

What he didn’t do was complain, feel sorry for himself, withdraw from God or fellow Christians, or proclaim lies about the Lord and His goodness, IE, “God doesn’t love or care about me anymore,” or “God has abandoned me.”

Since I saw that my loved one and I tend to slip into the above negative behaviors during our “prison time,” my prayer for both of us centers on learning to handle difficult circumstances in a way which pleases God—the way Paul dealt with his time in prison.

The difference between Paul and myself comes to this: I tend to do what comes naturally. What Paul did was supernatural.

God wants me to live a supernatural life, which comes about by being vitally connected to Him. I accomplish this when I abide in Him and depend on the guidance of the Holy Spirit rather than what my mind tells me to think and do.

In the days ahead, as I continue to face various difficult circumstances over which I have no control, I pray for God to help me to be like Paul. I will review the list above on a regular basis and ask God to empower me to live it out.

Doing so will help me grow, will be a powerful witness to those who don’t know the Lord, and will bring glory to God.

I thank God in advance for all He’s going to do in me and through me as I embrace these truths.

“King of My Heart” by Kutless

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-jkMnq2Hfzo

 

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