Repost of Monthly Marriage Miracle Story: Why Doesn’t My Husband Love Me Anymore?

“I run in the paths of your commands, for you have set my heart free.” (Psalm 119:32 NIV 1984)

Hello friends of Hearts Set Free. One of my passions is to help wives move toward hearts set free, so they can continue to love their husbands through hard times. God miraculously healed our marriage, so I know He has power to heal. I believe His healing power is for anyone willing to receive it. Your spouse may not be willing, but if you are the first to believe for God’s healing power to heal your heart, amazing things can happen.

I have posted all the marriage miracle stories I have collected, so I need more. Do you have a story of how God worked a miracle in your marriage? I would love to hear it and share it with others. Please email me, and I can interview you to get your story, or you can write it yourself. Please consider sharing your story with others to bring God glory and to help wives who are losing hope. Here’s a repost of a story I posted two years ago on January 20, 2020. Maybe you’re asking yourself the same question Karen asked years ago—a question I asked often during difficult days in our marriage.

The bottom line is that God is able to heal your marriage and restore the love between you and your husband.

Why Doesn’t My Husband Love Me Anymore?

Karen wrote about a difficult time nine years into her 30-year marriage when she wondered, Why doesn’t Peter love me anymore? Here is her story. Names have been changed.

I glanced over my menu at Peter, seated on the opposite side of the booth. His dark-blonde hair still waved over his forehead. His blue eyes, always twinkling with humor while we were dating, now looked empty. What’s happening to us?

“Peter’s three years as associate pastor in a large city church had changed him. Physically he had altered little from the slender, handsome man I had married nine years before. The church members looked up to him in more ways than one—often teasing him about his six-foot-plus height—but in my eyes he had shrunk somehow.”

When Karen helped a friend who was divorcing to find an apartment, these thoughts went through her head: How can I possibly afford to live alone? What would the church people think if I left Peter? How has our relationship deteriorated to the point that I’d even consider divorce? At this crossroad, many women do leave their marriages—even Christian women like Karen.

One evening Karen zeroed in on the problem in their relationship: “Can’t you just stay home with me tonight?”

“You know I have to be at every church meeting. Ron is always there, and he expects me to be there too.”

“Maybe Ron’s wife is used to it. Besides, she’s home all day. I work from eight to five, and at night you’re in meetings! I’m sick of your being gone all the time. We never see each other. You give yourself to everyone else and have nothing left for me!”

Another evening, at an in-home Bible study Peter led, upset about the need to fake a smile all the time, Karen drove home instead of going inside, leaving her husband to find his own ride home. Back at home she relates: “I took a long, hot bath, hoping to soak away my pain and confusion about our marriage. Peter has abandoned me too, but what right do I have to complain? He has abandoned me to do God’s work.”

Rather than walk out on the marriage, Karen urged Peter to attend counseling with her, where she discovered serious issues lingered from his childhood.  For a time they separated; Peter lived elsewhere while he worked on his issues. After reuniting, Karen recalled their tenth anniversary: “Peter and I drove to a special restaurant to celebrate our tenth anniversary and our renewed love for each other. ‘Let’s open our gifts in the car,’ he suggested. ‘Yours first.’

“I unwrapped a tiny jeweler’s box to find a gold necklace with two intertwining gold hearts. ‘Our hearts, our love,’ Peter said. ‘We’re going to make it, aren’t we?’

He pulled me close to him. “I love you so much.”

Karen’s renewed love for her husband came through courage, patience, and compassion. She won that serious, “I don’t love him anymore” battle and continued to love and encourage her husband through their 30-year marriage. She and her husband faced more hardships as their marriage continued, but through depending on the Lord, Karen loved her husband for better or worse until his death parted them.

Hearts Set Free Monthly Marriage Miracle Story–Happiness

Early in my marriage, I often said, “All I want is to be happy.” Over time God showed me that as a Christian my goal wasn’t big enough. This is another story that speaks of a miracle that God worked in my heart and in our marriage.

I still need more marriage miracle stories. Let me know what your marriage miracle is, and I will post it to help others and to bring God glory.

May God bless you with help, hope, and healing in your marriage in 2022.

I WANT TO BE HAPPY BY ELAINE CREASMAN

“How could he do that to you?” I asked angrily. My friend’s husband—a Christian—had just told her he was in love with another woman.

I listened intently as she poured out the details of her demands, feeling that she was reading from the pages of my life. “I’ve done some of the same things,” I confessed. I remembered times when my husband, Steve, had withdrawn from me, saying, “I can’t be responsible when you’re not happy.” Only now did I understand what he meant.

Throughout my marriage, I’d often focused on happiness. “God,” I’d prayed, “all I want is to be happy. Is that too much to ask?” Now I realized it was too little. The pursuit of happiness, though understandable, had kept me from seeing what God wanted for me.

My friend and I decided that God’s number-one goal for marriage is not “be happy,” but “be holy.” He commands us, “Be holy, because I am holy” (1 Peter 1:16). I’m discovering that the “be holy” path blesses me, my husband, and the Lord.

For many years, I failed to see God’s purpose for our marriage. I saw it as “my” marriage. I thought I was unhappy because I couldn’t gain control of the relationship. God showed me I was unhappy because I was trying to.

I can’t be happy unless I submit to God and his purpose.

EMBRACING GOD’S PURPOSE

So what is his purpose for our marriage? Romans 8:28 promises that “in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose.” For years I failed to connect this to verse 29, which states the purpose: “to be conformed to the likeness of his Son.”

As I consider the things in our marriage that I once labeled bad, I marvel at the good God has brought from them. For instance, I often felt Steve didn’t give me enough emotional support during difficult times, such as when I or the children were ill. Steve’s lack of support chased me to God, where I learned to depend more fully on him.

Steve and I have strengths and weaknesses that God understood when he brought us together. These strengths and weaknesses are matched perfectly, so instead of becoming too dependent on each other, we go to him.

I’D BE HAPPY IF…

For a long time, I insisted that God make me happy my way. I wanted what I wanted when I wanted it. Most of my “I would be happy if ….” sentences ended with some change in Steve. No wonder he tended to withdraw.

I remember thinking I’d be happy if Steve would pray with me. Once he started praying with me, instead of being grateful, I changed my demand to, “I’d be happy if he’d pray with me every day.” This pattern was repeated in other areas of our marriage.

One day I told Steve some things that used to be on my list of “I could be happy if …” statements. “That sounds like heaven,” he said.

My theme had been, “I’d be happy if we had the perfect marriage by means of you being the perfect husband.” This kept me from seeing the good things about our marriage, such as Steve’s ability to forgive and forget, that he’s an excellent provider and father, and his support of every ministry God has called me to. Focusing on Steve’s faults and continually trying to perfect him makes it almost impossible to concentrate on what God wants to do in me.

When I complain to God about Steve, he always brings things back to me. I remember once pointing out to God that Steve was too impatient. “First Corinthians 13:4 says, ‘Love is patient,’ Lord, and he’s not.” God gently urged me to read on: “It also says, love ‘keeps no record of wrongs.’ And you keep record of wrongs.”

God never says, “You poor thing; your husband is such a wicked man.” He speaks tenderly of Steve, and gives me difficult commands: “You repent”; “You pray for your husband”; “You bless him.” What God won’t do is side with me in sin or pamper my ego.

God promises me joy and blessing if I seek him and determine to do not what’s comfortable or what feels good, but what’s right. That’s what becoming holy—becoming like Jesus—is all about.

Sometimes I seek holiness with impure motives. I think, If I act holy, Steve will see a change in me, he’ll change, and then he’ll make me happy. Instead, I must seek God with a pure heart, desiring to be holy, not just to act holy. And I must do this, not just for my benefit, but because I love God and Steve. When I do, I’m happy.

IN DESPERATE MOMENTS

Crying out for God is what I do in desperate moments—usually when I haven’t been connecting with him diligently and I’ve let my desires take over.

Not long ago, I felt desperate about the fact that most nights Steve didn’t come to bed at the same time I did. We’d discussed it—sometimes loudly—and he tried. But being a night person and not having to go to work early, he just couldn’t do it. My early morning wake up call, on the other hand, prevented me from staying up with him. One night when I felt lonely and unloved, instead of going to Steve with demands, I cried out for God. I sensed him saying, “Don’t discuss this any further with Steve. Accept it, and allow me to meet your need.”

God eased my lonely feelings and surrounded me with his love. But first I needed to repent of my resentment and my demand that Steve must be the one to meet my need.

When I humbly cry out for God, releasing my plans and expectations, I’m giving him permission to make me holy. And God has been faithful every time.

WHEN HOLINESS HURTS

Sometimes I forget that I entered our marriage unhappy and broken. It’s been difficult to admit, but I’ve expected Steve to be my savior and fix me. That’s God’s job. Only the path of holiness leads to wholeness.

This path, however, often involves pain. My husband sometimes brings out the worst in me. His unholy behavior exposes my own: negativity, unforgiveness, lack of compassion, self-pity, depression, and conditional love. I struggle to obey the apostle Peter’s words: “Do not repay evil with evil or insult with insult, but with blessing” (1 Peter 3:9). Becoming holy hurts, because I see how unlike Jesus I really am.

Recently I argued on and on with Steve about his criticism of my cooking. I finally lost my temper and stormed out of the room. I wanted to be like the Old Testament prophet Jonah, to insist that Steve didn’t deserve my love and run the other way in my heart. Yet I knew that would make matters worse.

When I called out to God, he showed me the core of the problem. After 20 years of marriage, I wanted Steve to understand everything about me. “He never will,” God seemed to whisper. “He doesn’t have to. I do. He’s not your savior. I am.” Steve and I repented, kissed, and made up. I was able to rejoice that he understands me better than any other human being, even if he doesn’t understand me completely.

People have asked me, “Are you happy in your marriage?” When I seek happiness my way, I have to answer no; I’m miserable. But when I put aside my expectations about Steve and seek God and let him conform me to the image of Christ, then I’m happy.

The important questions are: “Is God happy and pleased with me?” “Is our marriage serving God’s purpose?” “Am I willing to continue on the path of holiness, so I can bring glory to him?” When the way I live proclaims yes, yes, and yes, I feel closer to God than ever. I love Steve more than I believed possible, and I can see how God is conforming both of us to the image of Christ.

Just as Jesus trusted the Father completely, I have determined to trust God—with my marriage, with my husband, and with my happiness. I’m discovering, “Whoever trusts in the Lord, happy is he” (Proverbs 16:20, NKJV).

This article first appeared in Moody magazine (May/June 1996).

Monthly Marriage Miracle/While You’re Waiting

Today’s monthly marriage miracle story is an article I wrote today as I reflected on the miracles God has worked in our marriage. Often I did the opposite of what I have on my list here of what to do as you’re waiting for your marriage miracle. Thankfully, God repeatedly led me back to doing the actions that would keep the door open for Him to work His wonders on our marriage. And He did, and still does. I’m praying for you for strength, hope, peace, and joy as you wait for Your marriage miracle.

If you have a marriage miracle story to share with me, I’d love to hear it. I have used all the marriage miracle stories I had in months past, so I need some new ones. You can write out your story, or call me and I will interview you and write the story for you. Ask God if He wants you to share your miracle with others wives, so they can have hope for healing. Contact me at emcreasman@aol.com to share your marriage miracle story with me. If you do share your story, I will give you a free marriage book to continue to encourage you in your marriage.

Here’s this month’s story: While You’re Waiting For Your Marriage Miracle

I meet many wives in troubled marriages who without realizing it set out on a course that make marriage matters worse and eventually lead to divorce. One mindset that comes up is this: I’m tired of waiting. Here are some actions to take while you’re waiting for your marriage miracle.

–Pray. I’m surprised by the number of women in difficult marriages who confess that they have stopped praying for their husband and their marriage. Some report that they’ve tried that course, and it doesn’t work. They forget God’s command to “pray without ceasing” (1 Thessalonians 5:17 KJV) Prayer may not bring about an immediate change in your spouse, but over time it will. Also, prayer changes a wife’s attitude toward her spouse.

–Be in The Word. It can be a temptation to look at worldly books, TV shows, or secular wisdom on social media to find answers for hard times in our marriages. These lead us away from the Lord and from a godly attitude about marriage. Most run along this theme, “It’s all about me.” I like what a speaker said at a seminar when she spoke about marriage. “My marriage is not all about me. It’s all about God and what He wants to do in and through me.” The first four words of the previous sentence tell what it’s all about: It’s all about God. Being in the Word reminds me of that truth.

–Forgive. Often when a woman says, “I’m tired of waiting,” another “I’m tired of…” statement is not far behind: “I’m tired of forgiving.” I’ve been there many times and have even convinced myself that it was my forgiveness that kept my husband’s bad behavior toward me going. Forgiveness not only helps your marriage, but it helps your physical, emotional, and spiritual health.

–Be kind. One woman I know decided that she would stop being kind to her husband until he changed. She stopped cooking, cleaning up after him, and doing his laundry. She spoke no kind words to him. Instead of this causing him to examine his life and transform his behaviors, it caused him to conclude, “My wife no longer loves me. It’s time we moved on.” Kindness toward our spouse is not something that he must earn or deserve. It’s part of being like Christ. And when we show Christlike kindness, we set up an atmosphere for change. Even if our kindness doesn’t change our spouse, it keeps our hearts from becoming hard.

–Say something good to and about your spouse. Often in hard times we become blind to the good qualities in our spouse. Instead, we tell our spouse and anyone who will listen how he’s letting us down and not loving us in the way we feel we deserve to be loved. The more we complain, the worse we feel and the more negative our attitude becomes. I meet some wives who always have a good word to say to and about their spouse, even when I can see so many flaws in the man they married. One wife I know calls her husband, “my sweetheart” when she talks about him to keep a positive attitude toward him.

–Love your spouse where he’s at. One day I realized what can set up a spouse to have an affair. A wife tells him everything that’s wrong with him, doesn’t say loving words or show love, and has an attitude of “I’d love you if you’d change.” Then he meets someone who has this attitude toward him: “I like you just the way you are.” Determine not to hold back love from your spouse. One way we hold back is when we think of a loving action to do for him, and then follow it with this negative thought, I’m not going to do that. He doesn’t deserve it. Ask the Lord, “What loving action can I do for my spouse today?” Then do it—no matter how you feel.

Marriage is hard, but the hard times build strength in us. As we keep our focus on the Lord and on the blessings we have in our marriage, we keep the door open for a marriage miracle. God wants to give each of us a miracle in our marriage, but first He wants to work a miracle in us. Doing the right thing even when our spouse doesn’t is one miracle the Lord desires to work in our hearts. Then instead of saying, “I’m tired of waiting,” we decide this: “I will wait upon the Lord as I pray, stay in the Word, forgive, be kind, say something good, and love my husband where he’s at.”

Monthly Marriage Miracle Story: Forgiveness #2

Last month for my monthly marriage miracle story, I focused on forgiveness and the part it plays in marriage miracles. Here is another piece that has to do with forgiveness. I wrote this a long time ago, but I remember the incident clearly. The truth that comes forth is that as we call out to the Lord, He does make us willing to forgive.

The original title was “Our Little Reconciler,” but for this blog I’ve changed the title to, “Lord, Make Me Willing.”

I pray for you and your marriage that the forgiveness Jesus demonstrated on the cross will flow to you and through you to your spouse. If you have a marriage miracle story you’d like to share, please email it to me at emcreasman@aol.com. Maybe you don’t feel equipped to write your own story. If so, I’ll interview you and write it for you. I’m looking forward to hearing your story and passing it along to others.

Lord, Make Me Willing

With a cold expression on my face and my eyes fixed on the dishes, I washed them in silence. The message I wanted my husband to receive when he walked out of the bedroom was, “Leave me alone. Don’t come near me.”

The words he had hurled at me the evening before still stung. I could not focus on what I might have done to contribute to the fight, because my hurt consumed me. Although I wanted to obey God and forgive, I had let the sun go down on my anger. The best I could do was write one line in my journal before I went to sleep, “Lord, make me willing to forgive.”

Morning had come and I still felt unwilling; forgiveness now seemed an impossibility.

Steve avoided the kitchen and headed for the door, while Mindy, our three-year-old, shouted, “Daddy, let’s play.”

“I’ve got to go to work, Honey,” Steve said.

“My kiss! My kiss!” Mindy bellowed and raced after him to give her good-bye kiss. Anytime Steve or I went anywhere she insisted on a kiss and a hug.

“A hug! A Hug!” I could imagine her stretching her arms up and jumping up and down. Hurry, I thought as I waited expectantly for the door to close.

“What about Mommy?” Mindy asked. Why can’t children mind their own business? I wondered, hoping Steve would ignore her.

“You didn’t give her a kiss and a hug.” I didn’t remember Mindy ever noticing how we said good-bye to each other. Why today?

“I don’t think she wants one,” answered Steve.

Well, he was right about that. Now please leave. But Mindy could not let it rest. She raced into the kitchen with a shocked look on her face. “Mommy, do you want a kiss and a hug?”

Her eyes wide and filled with innocence looked up at me, seeing me not as a bundle of anger, but a dispenser of love. My heart was torn. I didn’t want to let go of my hurt, but neither did I want to cause her pain. How could I lie and say yes, when a kiss was the last thing I wanted?

In that moment between her question and my answer, it seemed God was asking, “Are you willing?” He was giving me the opportunity to take the first step toward restoring the peace in my relationship with Steve.

How unfair, though—I felt I was being forced into this. What a choice! If I disobeyed God and refused to be willing to forgive, I would hurt my daughter. God had backed me into a corner. Yet, wasn’t that what I had prayed for—“Lord, make me willing”?

“Yes,” I said to Mindy’s question and to God’s question, “Are you willing?”

Mindy ran out to get her dad, jubilant at proving him wrong. The joyful reconciler dragged him by the hand to the kitchen.

“Now give Mommy a kiss,” she instructed sweetly and gave a triumphant smile when he did so.

“Now a hug,” she urged. We hugged, and with that hug the wall of hurt within me began to melt.

Forgiveness no longer seemed an impossibility.

© Elaine Creasman1988
The article was first published in the August 1988 issue of Light and Life magazine

Monthly Marriage Miracle Story:Forgiveness

It’s time for another marriage miracle story. This month I’m passing along some truths that will move you closer to receiving your marriage miracle.

In my marriage, miracles happened as I determined to forgive my husband as the Lord had forgiven me–no matter what he had done to hurt me. In her book, Or For Worse: Loving Your Husband Through Hard Times by Emma Chambers, Emma had a hard time forgiving her husband. Here is an excerpt from her book, which helped me in my struggle to forgive. I pray it will help you as well.

May your miracle come as you embrace forgiveness. What a miracle it is that the Lord forgave us and died for us. Let’s pass that miracle along to our spouses and everyone else in our lives.

Remove Roadblocks to Unforgiveness by Emma Chambers

In my marriage, I knew it was wrong to be unforgiving, and yet I still engaged in it. As I prayed, God revealed seven myths I believed which prevented the flow of forgiveness through me to my husband. As I let go of these, I moved on in the forgiveness process.

Myth #1: I must wait for my husband to say, “I’m sorry.”

I have wasted a lot of time rehashing the wrongs Randy has done to me trying to coerce an apology from him. As God has dealt with me, I’ve become determined to forgive without “ifs” attached–“If he says ‘I’m sorry,’ and if I decide he really is, then I will forgive.” Jesus forgave while He hung on the cross. (See Luke 23:34) None of the soldiers that were putting him to death said, “I’m really sorry for what we’re doing to you.”  Yet He said, “Father, forgive them…”

Myth #2:  I must feel like forgiving.

Forgiveness is a choice of the will. Sometimes the choice to forgive Randy has been followed by positive feelings.  Other times I’ve battled feeling hurt for quite a while. I’ve learned that no matter how I feel, I will determine to maintain a forgiving attitude. Reaching out and blessing even when I don’t feel like it is sign that I’m doing this. 

Myth #3 Certain things should never be forgiven.

There are no sins Randy has committed against me that are too big to forgive since God has called me to, “Forgive as the Lord forgave you,” (Colossians 3: 13) and He is One “who forgives all your sins,” (Psalm 103:3) At times I try to convince myself that there are divine exceptions when it comes to forgiveness.  If I choose to hold back forgiveness for these “exceptions,” I have been the one to suffer. I see that often more suffering happens because a person refuses to forgive than because of the the wrongs done to us. Someone has said, “Bitterness is the poison you drink thinking it will kill another person.” 

Myth #4 Saying “I forgive” means, “What he did isn’t wrong.”

Saying, “I forgive you,” doesn’t mean Randy is released from the truth that he did wrong. It means he is released from me seeking vengeance for that wrong-doing. True forgiveness means I leave the justice up to the Lord as Jesus did. “When they hurled their insults at him, he did not retaliate; when he suffered he made no threats. Instead, he entrusted himself to him who judges justly.” (1 Peter 2:23)

Myth #5 Unforgiveness will force my husband to change.

I’ve learned that staying angry is not what motivates my husband to stop hurting me. It’s certainly not the tactic God uses to get us to turn away from our sins. In fact, the Bible says that, “God’s kindness leads you toward repentance.” (Romans 2:4) What gets people to change and have sorrowful hearts concerning what they’ve done is for us to be kind and generous—even when they don’t deserve it. Joseph did this with his brothers who had sold him into slavery. (See Genesis 50:15-21) His kindness and mercy had a life-changing impact on them.

Myth # 6:  Unforgiveness will protect me from further hurt.

In former days it was my habit to try to build a wall of bitterness to keep from being hurt again. Unfortunately, this wall also kept me from getting close to Randy and to the Lord. As I have let God protect me, He has been faithful to do so. “He will cover you with His pinions, and under His wings shall you trust and find refuge…You shall not be afraid of the terror of the night, nor of the arrow (the evil plots and slanders of the wicked) that flies by day.” (Psalm 91:4-5 AMP) 

Myth #7:  Unforgiveness Makes Me Stronger

When I meet women whom others label as “strong women,” I notice that sometimes they are also bitter. Instead of saying they have strong hearts, I have to realize what they have are hardened hearts. Years of holding on to unforgiveness has hardened them, so that they can lose their sense of compassion and tenderness. I confess I have been at that place. I want to be strong as the Lord defines it—someone who is able to resist temptation, especially the temptation to hold on to unforgiveness. Once I let it go, I notice that real strength can be displayed in my life.

Sometimes these myths—these lies from the enemy—come back and wrap themselves around my heart. It is through prayer and asking God for a willing heart that I’m able to come back to the place of forgiveness. Meditating on the mercy of Christ helps me to keep from having a bitter heart in my marriage and to forgive my husband as He has forgiven me.

Monthly Marriage Miracle Story by Marie

Today is my 46th anniversary. Once again I’m celebrating the many marriage miracles from the Lord that brought my husband, Steve, and I to this day. My marriage miracle story this month is from another wife who recently celebrated her 46th anniversary. She, too, is celebrating God’s faithfulness in her marriage over the years.

Delivered From A Fling With Frivolous Fun and Financial Gain

Marie, who had never been married, entered her marriage with a little something extra—a three-year-old son, named Bobby. It was quite an adjustment for her husband, David, to suddenly be a husband and a father. He courageously made his former bachelor pad into a home for his new family. Here is the marriage miracle story that Marie told me. The story is true, but the names have been changed.

As a teenager, Bobby got into lots of trouble. He acted out by destroying things in the house. He was rebellious and turned on everything we said. If we put him on restriction, he would open his bedroom window and leave. David butted heads often with Bobby.

During this difficult time, I was offered a job which included traveling Monday through Friday. I was worn out from our son’s rebellion and from the constant conflict between David and Bobby. I went to a counselor who told me to leave when things heated up in the house between the two. The counselor meant for a brief getaway, but I decided to “leave” five days a week by taking this job. My husband agreed because the money was good.

I traveled with two other women who, although also married, believed you should have fun while on the road. I had been a Christian for five years, but went along with the fun they had by joining them in drinking, dancing and flirting with men in bars.

I felt like I was in a different world. It felt good at first to escape my home life.

As I made money and had fun, I felt myself drifting far from my husband.

One Sunday the message in church was about when a Christian falls. The pastor said it was like a basketball player, that if you got hurt, you need to sit on the sidelines. I did feel like I was hurt.

One evening while on the road, I attended a nationally-televised basketball game with the two women and the men they brought along. Will my husband see me if he’s watching this on TV? I wondered.

I realized that drinking was becoming a problem.

I did careless things when I drank, like one evening when I was drinking while out with my husband, I got drunk and went into the Gulf and tried to swim to a sandbar at midnight.

I saw that David was getting tired of it all, and Bobby was still misbehaving and butting heads with him.

I continued to go to church and began to ask myself, Should I be doing this? as far as my job and the fun time I was having. But then I’d be right back at it.

Because I was enjoying myself while away from David, I thought maybe I needed to ask him for a divorce.

So I went home at the end of the week and said, “I don’t think we should be married anymore.”

“We need to talk,” David said.

So we talked and talked. I realized I still loved David who said, “I’m going to try harder.”

David also said, “I’m going to go to church with you,” and he did.

Even so, I was back at my job and still drinking on Monday.

However, I woke up in the middle of the night one night that week and left a note saying, “I can’t do this anymore.”

I walked away from the money and the other temptations to save our marriage. I realized there was a price to the fun, and it wasn’t worth it.

Turning away from drinking was a process. But then our son started drinking, and I didn’t want to be a stumbling block, so I gave it up totally.People used to say to me, “You’re so much fun when you drink,” but even after I stopped, I could still have fun, and people would think I was drinking. Thankfully, my husband was never much of a drinker.

While I worked at my job for an insurance agency, my husband got laid off. Even so, after that God began to bless us. I was offered a new job in a different town, where we decided to move, and my husband found a job there right away.

God took care of our needs as we stopped focusing on money. These verses came to mind as I thought about how God was taking care of us: “Consider the lilies, how they grow: they neither toil nor spin, yet I tell you, even Solomon in all his glory was not arrayed like one of these. But if God so clothes the grass, which is alive in the field today, and tomorrow is thrown into the oven, how much more will he clothe you, O you of little faith!” (Luke 12:27-28 ESV)

I learned that money could never have bought me the happiness I have with my husband.

When we moved, Bobby didn’t go with us. He stayed behind and lived with my parents. Then he tried to live with us, but it didn’t work out. He and David still didn’t get along. He moved in with an older couple at age 16. He has continued to have troubles over the years, but I’ve had to let go of him.

David stopped going to church for quite a while, despite his promise to go to church with me. But then suddenly one Sunday morning, he got ready for church and has been going since. Now he’s part of the worship team.

My two-month fling with having fun and making money took place ten years into our marriage. Now we’ve been married 46 years and have a good life together.

In 1995, on our 20^th anniversary, I wrote a Happy Anniversary letter to my husband, where I compared our marriage to a canoe ride and how it seemed to me that so far my husband had been doing most of the paddling. I wrote, “I have sat still for so long letting you do all the work. I promise for the next twenty years to paddle along with you as we continue the ride of our life in the same canoe.”

Marie has gone beyond that 20 years and is still paddling along with her husband to make their marriage work, and she continues to experience God’s faithfulness.

If you have a marriage miracle story from your own marriage that you want to share with others, please email me at emcreasman@aol.com.

Monthly Marriage Miracle Story: Willing To Wait

For fifteen years, Gail had been praying for her unsaved husband, Jason. Like many of us who pray for a change in our husbands, she was tired of waiting. She felt like God wasn’t listening and often wondered, “Why doesn’t God just zap him with a mighty dose of the Holy Spirit?”

There were times Gail thought of running away. Even though God blessed her with many wonderful friends, there was a loneliness she thought she couldn’t bear.     

Gail tried many things to bring Jason to the Lord. She left 3 x 5 cards with Bible verses all around the house—on the refrigerator, on every light switch, on every mirror, on the back of both toilets–and in their cars. She bought books and tapes at seminars. With the books, she strategically placed them on a coffee table open to the page she wanted him to read. With the cassette tapes, she would cue them up and put them in the car, so when her husband turned on the car, God’s truth would reach him. 

When God didn’t answer her prayer, she would sometimes slip into thinking, It must be all my fault. I’m so far from being a Proverbs 31 woman.

One evening a breakthrough came for Gail as she sat in church sobbing.

“Why am I crying?” she asked God.

He revealed to her this truth: “You always have to have control.”

Gail was stunned because she had seen herself as a compliant person, a people-pleaser, and considerate of all authorities, especially the Lord.

“Well, Lord, what do you want me to do?” she called out.

In a clear way He said, “There you go again, Gail. It’s not what I want you to do. Just be still and know that I am God” (See Psalm 46:10)

That night Gail admitted she was trying to be in control. She wanted to control her circum-

stances and everyone in her life.

She admitted that she wasn’t trusting the Lord with her husband’s salvation.

Gail’s husband came to know the Lord as his Savior, but there are plenty of other women who are still waiting for that to happen. Gail would say to them: “Do what God told me to do: ‘Be still and know that I am God’ and trust Him—no matter how long your time of waiting is.”

Even though God corrected Gail that evening, over her years of waiting for her husband to change, she had developed a virtue that kept her praying for him instead of leaving him or withdrawing love from him. Patience.

Many times in my adult life I’ve prayed, “Lord, make me patient,” which some say is a dangerous prayer. I didn’t realize early on that we develop patience through trials.

James 1:2-3 does apply to marriage: “Consider it wholly joyful, my brethren whenever you are enveloped in or encounter trials of any sort…Be assured and understand that the trial and proving of your faith bring about endurance and steadfastness and patience” (AMPC).

When I looked up “patient” in the dictionary I read: “bearing pains or trials calmly or without complaint; manifesting forbearance under provocation or strain; steadfast despite opposition, difficulty or adversity.”

I saw those statements as goals. Although I’ve come a long way, I still haven’t fully arrived at being a patient wife.

I don’t think it’s arbitrary or coincidental that God started out the love verses in 1 Corinthians 13 with “Love is patient” (verse 4). The longer I’m on planet earth, the more I see that love and waiting are tied together. So often I’ve prayed what David prayed in the Psalms–“How long, O Lord?” (Psalm 13:1) as I’ve prayed for my husband to change and/or draw closer to the Lord.    

Recently I heard a song that gave the message of “How long, O Lord, before I become like Jesus.” As I have embraced patience toward my husband, I thank God that He is patient with me. My goal is to embrace what I saw on a sign at a local church: “Be as patient with others as God is with you.”

Gail related that the times she felt weary of waiting were when she was trying to run the universe—or at least her little corner of it. So the problem isn’t the waiting, but the way in which we wait.

As part of our prayers in times of waiting and crying out to God in regard to our marriages, we can incorporate this verse from Scripture:

“May the Lord direct your hearts into [realizing and showing] the love of God and into the steadfastness and patience of Christ…” 2 Thessalonians 3:5 AMPC.

Note: Gail’s story is true, but the names have been changed. I pray for God to give you grace to wait as He works a miracle in your marriage in His way and time.

Monthly Marriage Miracle: A God-Sent Weekend

Once again I’m posting a marriage miracle story. This story is true and was written by someone who remembered how she and her husband almost lost hope in their marriage. Then God intervened. The names have been changed.

I pray that this story shared courageously by Pam can bring hope to you if you are in a dark place in your marriage. If you have already received your marriage miracle, please pass this story along to someone who needs a miracle.

If you have a marriage miracle you’d like to share with others, please contact me at emcreasman@aol.com. You can write out your own story, or tell me your story, and I will write it for you. My goal is to remind others that we serve a God who heals–even when circumstances seem impossible.

A God-Sent Weekend

“When we return to the states, I think we need a divorce,” my husband said one day.

We lived in a compound with other foreign expatriates in Tokyo, Japan. Our three children, ages five, seven, and ten, attended a Christian school run by missionaries. After thirteen years of marriage with no reason for divorce—no violence, no hanky-panky, no lies, no illness, no alcohol, no nothing—he wanted to quit. It’s not as if this announcement came out of the blue.

Stresses in our marriage had been building for years. There was no lack of money, no extramarital flings, no violent outbursts; we didn’t even argue much. My husband did his thing, and I cared for the children and house with a few forays into substitute teaching. We attended church as a family every Sunday and stopped at the local restaurant for Sunday brunch. But we were not happy.  I resented having to stay home with the children, moving every year, and letting my college degree languish.

“Yes, when we get home, we’ll get a divorce,” I decided.

Then, God called.

“There’s a Christian Marriage Encounter scheduled three weeks from now,” a friend of ours said. “We’ll watch the kids if you two want to go. It’s not for troubled marriages; it’s to make a good marriage better.”

“I have an important meeting that day,” my husband said. “I’m not sure I can make it.”

“I think it’s important we go,” I responded.

“You go. If I can, I’ll show up.”

Standing at the bus station with couples excited about a weekend in the mountains, I waited, nervous he would not come.

“If he doesn’t come, then I’ll know there is no hope for our marriage,” I told the pastor.

“We need to go now,” the man in charge announced. “We cannot wait any longer.”

Crestfallen, my disappointment he had not come became resentment. It’s over, I thought.

Then, he walked in.

“The meeting ran late,” he said, “but I told them I had to leave. Hope this is worth it.”

We sat together in silence, watching the countryside, passing tiered levels of rice behind thatched homes, through forests and over hills, set below a cloudless blue sky. After an hour or two, we exited the bus onto a wooded clearing. The chilly mountain air sent us scurrying into the modern hotel-style retreat house where rooms were assigned and a schedule distributed.

“The first thing we must do,” the man in charge said, “is relinquish our timepieces. We want no distractions. No telephone calls. Time will have no meaning. There will be a talk about different topics; a question will be given, then we’ll adjourn to write your response in these notebooks, share and then discuss them with each other. After a while, a bell will ring, and we will reconvene for group discussion.”

Then he played, “We’ve Only Just Begun” by the Carpenters.

The questions, given one at a time with about 15 minutes between writing and then discussing before returning to the group, required some intense thought. Over the years, I’ve forgotten the questions, but not our responses to them and each other. We wrote but refused to speak. One question, in particular, sent me for a tailspin. “Why did you get married?” The easy answer was: “Because we were in love,” but that was not the truth. He married because I refused to live with him, and he wanted someone to cook and clean with benefits. I married because I was ready to settle down after a failed relationship. 

The next question: “Were you in love when you married, and how has your love grown?” Our answer: We thought so, but not really, and it hasn’t.

Other thought-provoking questions about our responses to each other when different situations occurred continued over the weekend. We learned to talk about difficult situations, express our feelings without blame, and accept each other for the person we were rather than attempting to change the other. Of course, these precepts didn’t happen overnight. The prayers of our friends, the openness of this meeting, and our desire to change, helped us renew our wedding vows.                 

                       Break down the walls we have built around our marriage
                       as you tore down the walls of Jericho. Send your grace and
                       fill our marriage with compassion. Rid our hearts of the
                       resentment we built and replace it with love.

Without this God-sent weekend, the prayers of our friends, and our change of heart, we would never have celebrated our fifty-second wedding anniversary last year.

This is not the end of the  tale. Over the years, difficulties, especially in communicating without blame, have sent us to counseling several times, but we agree that marriage is a life commitment. The only person we can change is ourselves. 

Note: To find out more about Marriage Encounter weekends, go to this link: https://wwme.org/

Marriage Tips That Can Lead to Marriage Miracles

Lately, I’ve been posting a monthly marriage miracle story. Right now I’m on the lookout for more stories. If you have one, please notify me at emcreasman@aol.com. You can write out your own story, or I can interview you and write the story for you. If you know of someone else who has a marriage miracle story, please put me in touch with that person. I am looking for stories from wives who have not given up in hard times but have depended on the Lord and have received a miraculous healing in their marriage.

This month I decided to post some marriage tips that have spoken to me. I realized that receiving godly counsel from others contributed to my own marriage miracle. For a number of years, I posted a weekly marriage tip to help others–just as I was being helped by these tips. The following are twelve tips from the past that spoke to me and helped to change my perspective on marriage and improve my attitude. I pray they will also minister to you in your marriage.

#1

“…ask yourself…what are you doing (or neglecting) that makes your spouse feel lonely? Just as it takes two to get married, it nearly always takes two to let a marriage drift. So identify your own contributions to the problem. Is your schedule so crowded with outside commitments that you’re seldom home? Have you neglected hobbies or other activities that used to draw you and your mate closer? Have you started taking your spouse for granted— failing to express thanks, neglecting to extend common courtesies? Are you too preoccupied with work, the kids or family finances to listen to your spouse? After asking yourself the hard questions, commit to making the personal changes necessary to reverse the emotional drift.”

–Tim Gardner from “Alone Together” published in the September 2008 issue of Today’s Christian Woman.

#2

“It is a far better approach to accentuate the positive and to sincerely and enthusiastically applaud whatever…progress you see in your partner. Spouses have a tendency to become what their loved ones praise in them. Speaking gentle words of respect and encouragement, whether in private or in front of others, can be extremely influential in bringing about a desire to change.”

From the book, Surviving A Spiritual Mismatch, by Lee Strobel.

#3

“Choose to complete him rather than compete with him.” — Dr. Juli Slattery

#4

“Concentrate on what God wants to change in your life, not what you wish were different with your spouse. Strive to live out your convictions before her/him, in the balance of grace and truth.”

–Kathy Norquist, from Eternal Perspectives Newsletter, Spring 2014

#5

“As we start learning how to act right when our spouse acts wrong, we will begin to see what God is doing to make us more like him in the midst of marital difficulties. We will become able to…respond wisely when wronged. Perhaps most important of all, learning to act right when our spouse acts wrong will force us to forage for a deeper relationship with Christ. For to act right with a pure sincere heart in the midst of suffering will stretch our faith and trust in God as we struggle to yield our will to his plan for our life.

The marriage relationship is a picture of the covenant relationship with Christ. He is going to be our teacher in this process, for he always acts right.

Even when we act wrong.”

–From How to Act Right When Your Spouse Acts Wrong by Leslie Vernick

#6

“A relationship is a living thing—it thrives with attention and withers when ignored. To maintain a healthy relationship, married couples should regularly examine how they spend their most precious resources—their time and energy—and determine whether they are following their priorities…

As you look at your normal daily schedule, what could you change—what could you spend less time doing—to make more room for your relationship?”

–from Keeping Your Covenant; A Small Group Study to Enrich Your Marriage put out by Family Life ministry, Little Rock, Arkansas

#7

“We judge ourselves by our intentions. We judge our spouses by their actions. No wonder we think we’re better!”

–Anne Moodie, To Love, Honor, and Vacuum

#8

“Quitting is not an option. When I don’t ‘feel in love,’ I make the decision to love anyway. There is a lot of forgiving that goes on. Being married for so long, there are plenty of opportunities to drag up old offences. I have to do as Clara Barton said when asked didn’t she remember something someone did to her. She said, “I clearly remember forgetting.” I have to chase off those memories with that statement! And so does he. Sometimes loving each other feels really, really good. But sometimes loving each other means sacrificing self and the ‘right’ to be angry or hurt, and just going ahead and forgiving, letting go, and getting over it. Love ‘feels’ very different from forty years ago.”

–From LaDonna—married to Buddy for 40 years.

#9

Marriage is like a dance, and we must learn not to give up when it seems our partner has two left feet.

–Paraphrase of statement made on a Refine Us radio commercial.

#10

“…we can live as critics and bring condemnation on our spouse, or we can live as supporters, focusing on attributes we appreciate. When we choose to dwell in appreciation of our spouse, we de-emphasize their negative,… and their positives grow. When we choose to live in the appreciation room, our focus transforms our thinking, our words, who we are, and to whom we are married!”

–from Molly

#11

“Communication is the essential element to every great marriage. Getting to know another human being requires talking. It’s how we fall in love. It’s how we understand another person’s heart. It’s how we resolve problems and discuss needs…Speak kindness, truth, and positive words to each other, and watch how God will use these things to draw you closer than ever before.”

–Jimmy Evans from Marriage Today email about communication in marriage.

#12

“…The places in our personality where we deviate from love are not our faults, but our wounds. God doesn’t want to punish us, but to heal us. And that is how He wishes us to view the wounds in other people…. When we are shaking a finger at someone, figuratively or literally, we are not more apt to correct their wrongful behavior. Treating someone with compassion and forgiveness is much more likely to elicit a healed response.” 

–M Williamson

Monthly Marriage Miracle: Restored

My husband, Sam, and I met in 1990 in the Pennsylvania Pocono mountains at a kickoff retreat for a Ministry called Discipleship Training. The next weekend we ended up going together with a couple who were friends of mine to a Billy Graham crusade on Long Island, New York where Sam had grown up.  We dated, attending this ministry together and his church in Macungie, Pennsylvania. I had moved from Clearwater, Florida to attend a seminary north of Philadelphia, in order to get a Master’s degree in counseling.

Since we knew very quickly that God was drawing us together, we decided to marry June 1st just after I finished my classes that school year. Only one month later I got pregnant with our daughter, and when she was seven months old, we decided to move to Clearwater to be close to my parents. While renting two houses there I gave birth to three boys, the middle boy having Down syndrome. In 2000 we were able to buy our first home and moved to a more affordable area in downtown New Port Richey where we raised our children in the same small home we still live in today and the same church.

Next, here’s some background on Sam and my upbringing, which I believe influenced our issues in our marriage. I basically had a stable upbringing with both parents.  On the other hand, Sam didn’t have that stable of an upbringing. His mother gave him up as a baby into foster care, and then he was adopted at one and a half years old. Plus, Sam was placed back in foster care until he was 18 years old due to his hyperactivity and his father’s failing health. It was good that he stayed in that foster family from 6 to 18 years of age, but he experienced physical abuse there, ongoing manipulation and control, and, also, sexual abuse.

The positives we had in our marriage was that we both had given our lives to Christ before marrying, we knew God had called us together, we were very committed to one another, and had the same overall values and beliefs. I believe all of these factors are  important to a successful marriage.

Yet, Sam carried a lot of the bad, unresolved memories from his childhood into our marriage. He had a hard time working full-time hours and experienced disassociation at times, making it hard to communicate with him. I had rejection issues, poor self-image, and a poor example conflict resolution. The conflict between him and I worsened when the kids got older since he was afraid to overreact as his foster parents had. Therefore, it was hard to be in agreement on how to discipline the kids. Sam became overweight, would fall asleep easily, and usually wouldn’t work on resolving our issues. Therefore, resentment and bitterness grew in both of us over time. All of that plus the normal stress of raising four teenagers, one with special needs, caused a wedge between us and wounds in our hearts that needed healing.

Now for the stressful events that led up to October 1, 2017 and, eventually, to the climax of our story. Our youngest son was struggling to finish high school and barely got to graduate. My husband’s business was failing and he had to close it down. He was home all of the time with no plan for future, causing me to feel suffocated and frustrated. On top of all of that stress, hurricane Irma passed through the state of Florida sending us all into a state of panic. All of this combined, plus the things I shared previously, led into the events that happened October 1, 2017. 

After church that Sunday, even though tensions were rising high between us, I decided not to leave the house for once since I was determined to make lunch for us. One of the habits I had developed was to leave and drive to our park nearby so things wouldn’t get heated in front of the kids. That day I asked my husband three times to leave and take a walk before things escalated, but he would not go which was typical. Both of us were triggered to anger and Sam ended up losing control. I ended up with a concussion and some neck damage. I was thankfully able to get to the bathroom while grabbing a cell phone, locking myself in, and calling 911, which I knew I had to do for the safety of both of us.

Sam was arrested, taken to jail for one night, and a no-contact order was put into place by the law to keep us physically separated and providing safety. A few months later I was able to go before the judge and ask for counseling so that we could work on our relationship, and the judge granted my request.

After another few months I felt ready to ask for rights to talk to him on the phone, and the judge granted that as well. I tried to get the one year no-contact shortened, and was not granted that. Therefore, God allowed us to be apart for the seven months it took for Sam to get into the Batterers Intervention class, plus another full year in the Domestic Violence program, totaling one and a half years we were apart by law. 

Our pastor shared with me that statistics say when couples are apart more than six months the marriage is pretty much doomed to fail. The “marriage miracle” in our story is that we were able to be apart three times longer than that and be restored together to have a healthy and safe relationship. All of our prayers, the prayers of our pastor, as well as a few other people who knew our story, brought forth this marriage miracle. Yet, did Sam and I have a part in this as well? You better believe we did! 

One huge reason our counselors, Pastor, and we felt it was healthy for us to get back together was because we took this time very seriously to work on ourselves and our issues individually while apart.

Sam immediately started to go to Celebrate Recovery weekly, enrolled in the Batterers Intervention class before he was officially in the Domestic Violence program, and began working out to lose weight and get healthier. I found a counselor I could afford and saw her weekly, enrolled in a life coaching program to work on myself and boundaries, and completed a 12-step program in six months. So, because of our humility, willingness and acceptance of our own responsibility, God was able to bring real healing, cleansing and change in our hearts and lives while we were apart.

Another important thing we did was to meet together in counseling weekly where we were able to slowly and carefully work on the hurts between us and regain trust by the power of the holy Spirit. Another factor of God’s miraculous hand on us was that the judge granted us to be able to see each other in counseling. I found out later that that is highly unusual for a judge to give permission to that with a situation such as ours. I also believe that God honored the fact that we submitted to our authorities to be apart for that time as the law dictated. So when we were legally able to be together as of April 18th, 2019 we felt God’s blessing on us.

We decided to seal our reunion by going to a Weekend to Remember in Jacksonville, Florida in May of that year and renewed our vows to each other there. We have been doing well every sense, even through the trauma of losing our daughter in March of 2020. Again, let me emphasize through all of these circumstances we should have been a divorce statistic. But God. All things are possible if only we believe and obey! He is truly a restorer and redeemer!

A verse that helped me along the way is Romans 8:28: ^“And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose.” NIV

The above story is true, but the names have been changed. This story was written by “Jane” with minor editing on my part.

I pray that if you have a marriage miracle story to share that you will contact me at emcreasman@aol.com. You don’t have to be a writer to submit your story. I can interview you and do the writing for you. If you are waiting for your marriage miracle, I pray that You will continue to believe in God’s healing power. Sometimes miracles take time as ours did in our 45-year marriage. Somehow the waiting and clinging to God as I waited made the miracle sweeter. May God draw you close to Himself as you believe Him for your marriage miracle.