Since the shocking call came, I have battled whys?
God, why didn’t You save his life? Ease his pain? Bring light into his darkness?
I’ve wondered again and again, Lord, why didn’t You give me an urgency to contact him to give him words of hope?
These questions have blared loudly in my mind since the death of a loved one who chose to end his life because he couldn’t deal with intense physical pain. His wife said of this battle: “He was in agony.”
In the middle of my whys here is some of what my husband wrote to help me in my grief. He said that God woke him in the night and he put on paper what he felt the Lord was speaking:
“You want to know why. I will tell you.
I gave the enemy dominion over the earth for a time. To you it is a very long time, but to Me it is not. I sacrificed My beloved Son to suffer and die for you that you may find your way to me through Him.
The enemy does not want this. He will fight, and scratch and claw and lie to you that it may not be so. He will deceive you and hide truth from you. He is telling you that I am not here, that I have abandoned you. He exhorts you to flee from Me for I am cruel and unloving. Do not succumb to this, for I am Lord.
At this very moment in your time, my Son is holding your beloved, and He weeps with him…He has no pain, no fear, no doubt, and no sin, for My Son has redeemed him, and brought him home Do not doubt this…
The enemy wishes for you to reject Me and be angry. But you are mine, and I love you. I send My Holy Spirit to abide with you and comfort you. Open your heart to Him that He may reveal My love and give you strength to bear the enemy’s cruelty and increase your faith. Do not be deceived, for the I am the Lord your God, and I am with you always.”
I do sense God’s love in the valley of my grief which at some moments feels like agony. But the promise God has given me to help me take my eyes off my whys and put my focus on God and the future is this:
He heals the broken-hearted and binds up their wounds. Psalm 147:3
My heart still feels broken, but I cling to God and count on Him to heal my wounds. I’m letting go of Why so I can hold more tightly to a Who–the Lord God, my Comfort and my Strength.